Why hobbits are the best and my neighbor Richard is an asshole.

The other day I was watering my mushroom garden (which i use to lure hobbits into my hobbit net) when my neighbor Richard walked into my yard and said, " Oh i'm such an asshole and would like for you to come over to my house to watch a basketball with me because basketball contains exactly no hobbits and hobbits aren't real because they don't exist because i'm an asshole because hobbits don't exist". After such a mockery of my life's work involving hobbits, I got up, and with furious fury i gently nudged him off of my property and softly whispered into his ear, "fuck you" and walked into my hobbit hole where my girlfriend, a life sized cardboard cutout of a female hobbit cleric, was waiting for me. After several hours of smoochin up on my girl, i ate some paprika and fell asleep.

why i cry a lot

The other day i was going on a drive to the local supermarket to buy some mushrooms for my dinner which mostly consists of mushrooms and more mushrooms and paprika, i was wearing my skin tight shirt that said, "NO NOT HOBBITS" which was used to deter all of the "not hobbits" babes from totally hitting on me. As i was at the cash register and buying my mushrooms and paprika, the cashier said, "Oh, I'm a stupid idiot and think that hobbits are only in movies and books, so I am going to compliment your sweet skin tight shirt, that says "NO NOT HOBBITS", by saying that i liked those movies and not the real hobbits in real life that exist and are real and I'm a stupid idiot." He clearly wasn't thinking straight so, with the fury of a hobbit, i smacked his face. After that ordeal i had realized that everyone was watching me and ready to call the cops. So i did what any sane hobbit enthusiast would do, i screamed,  "HOBBITS ARE REAL" and ran to my car, crying, and went home, only to realize that i forgot the mushrooms but remembered the paprika. so while i was eating my dinner of only paprika and tears i decided to get revenge on the world by proving the existence of hobbits by becoming a hobbit.

why the Nazgul are a bunch of pussies

In everybody's favorite, lord of the rings, we find our valiant hobbit friends out and about in Bree, land of the not hobbits, when out of no where Frodo gets stabbed by a black cloaked man, people are under the misconception that the Nazgul could have killed all of them if it weren't for Aragorn, but they are wrong. Frodo, naturally as a hobbit had the power of ten Nazgul times Sauron, was clearly holding back and allowed himself to be stabbed so he could become immune to the poison they were armed with. Everybody knows that the hobbits only weakness is the poison dagger, and now that Frodo is immune to the poison he is now immortal.

why hobbits are the superior race

Being the undisputed authority on hobbits, it pains me to see people consider humans or elves to be the dominate race. It doesn't take a doctorate in Hobbitology to realize that the race, superior to all, is hobbits. Hobbits should have supreme control of all middle earth, not those pussy ass elves. I believe a hobbit, by the name of Hamsong Itletr described all races as, "Inferior to hobbits, they should be sent away for soiling our Hobbit world with their impurity. Now, being "The supreme voice on hobbits"(New Hobbiton Times) I do enjoy reading the works of H. Itler, however, even without one of my favorite intellectuals, discussing hobbit supremacy, the argument is still very obviously correct.

why hobbits should be taught in schools

I consider myself to be a fairly intellectual individual, and we have to accept the fact that our children are being raised and taught to be degenerates, however, there is a way to combat our future adults from being complete assholes. In order to raise the standard of education we simply must have entire courses dedicated to hobbits, that's right. I went around town and asked people what they knew about hobbits, considering myself an authority on the subject, no one was as smart as me so they were all idiots. Unlike me, none of the people i asked either knew about hobbit geography, physiology, or wanted to talk to me. I then came up with the very good conclusion that hobbits aren't being taught in our schools. So i decided to use my vast amount of fans to help me reform education.

If I were a hobbit

If i were a hobbit my name would be Brumples Baggins, i would be 7 foot tall and get all of the babes because i would be the tallest hobbit. I would be best freinds with a wookie named Chunllllllles and we would high five a lot. My car would be made of the finest animal furs imported from africa and go 1 million miles every quarter of a second. I would wear a tuxedo every day even though i would be an assassin, my partner in assassinating shit would be a giant velociraptors made of regular sized velociraptors glued together using elmers children safe glue, but he always falls apart so i have to glue him back together, i offer him to get the stronger glue but he says not to, I am a hobbit, velociraptors are very polite and dont want me to go out of my way to get more glue, it is really no big deal, it would only take me like 5 minutes. I would also have lazer vision because all hobbits have lazer vision.

why hobbits don't wear shoes

Hobbits don't wear shoes because FUCK SHOES, also they dont need them because they have furry feet.